1981
Director- Richard Jeffries

If, like me you’ve ever been curious what happened to James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader since, or in this case between his memorable voice roles, except of course for that bitchin’ locust costume in Exorcist 2, then this water monster gem may be for you. If also like me, you honestly couldn’t care less, then this creature from the deep may also be for you.

An overdramatic voiceover about the ancient struggle between good and evil runs over footage of a young girl (18+) being sent on a little raft into a cave where her shirt comes off and a there is a doorway with the same symbol that’s on her forehead painted above it. Presumably something unsavory happens in there. A dude called Neil (the same guy who plays Nero the Hero in Death Race 2000) and his wife show up on a tiny little island off the coast of Greece. They’re not just out to yell English at the natives, take pictures and disturb the peace, they’re looking for Neil’s sister Madeline, an artist who was last heard from on this island. Despite the best efforts of the hostile natives, they find her keeping company with a crazy Shakespeare quoting pseudo-philosophizing marine archaeologist Fry (James Earl Jones) and his ditzy blond girlfriend Barbara. Against the explicit wishes of the Greek natives, Fry goes into an underwater cave, wait, HEY! It’s the same cave from the opening sequence, I smell something fishy here… Now the creepy door in the cave is all bricked up, but Fry takes care of that with the chemically reactive assistance of some C-4. No sweat. Madeline dreams about being the girl on the little raft in the cave. Now was that some foreshadowing? Hmmm, I’ll have to ponder this. The two couples & sister spend a lazy day at the beach in which there is an abundance of skin, (no tender bits, they might get burned) Madeline returns to the convent where she has been spending her time removing the layers of paint on a canvas to reveal the painting beneath. Sadly, Barbara goes for another swim, and is sucked under the water, never to be seen again, at least not in one piece. Fry is pissed now, he rants and threatens people, and most importantly drinks himself silly before heading into his underwater cave sanctuary, where Neil later finds him. The next day some kids are fooling around and a little girl gets pushed into the water, her mother dives in to save her, and Fry jumps in to save them both. Fry and the girl escape, but once again, mommy is masticated by a fangy monster. Almost simultaneously, and I can’t believe the coincidental timing on this, Madeline discovers the hidden meaning of the hidden painting of the hideous underwater foam rubber hand puppet. When nuns are soon found nailed to the walls of the convent, it’s a sure sign that Madeline is in an evil trance and is feeding her wet nightgown clad self to the monster. It’s about damn time! But wait, Fry has something he must atone for. I’ve seen a hell of a lot worse. Drink like Fry.

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