Director – Ali Bijan

Two members of a Texas church are headed to Mexico with a planeload of bibles for the peasants. The bibles are in English of course, though this doesn't seem to strike the two men as problematic, as one says, "They couldn't ask for a better gift". I'm thinking that they probably could ask you to keep your misguided gringo imperialism to yourself, but... Anyway, the two guys, Oren and Conrad are joined by a third, troubled quasi-suicidal alcoholic Jux (Mike Norris) who, after a bender the night before, is their acting "pilot". Cramped in a plane with these three strained stereotypes would drive any sane person completely batshit crazy.

On the way to Mexico, their plane loses oil pressure and they are forced to land in a field. A field surrounded by miles of sand dunes up every one of which Oren has to whine his big fat mouth. Just as they're about to make me press eject, they come to a small prop "old west" town, Ceres, Texas inhabited by stiff awkward extras (read members of the church that funded this movie). The town is evil, the mayor is even a minor demon or something, and our three intrepid heroes are stuck there. Oren flops his fat ass obliviously around town, being one of those fat guys who is so loud and friendly he makes everybody (even the evil citizens) cringe. Jux fawns over a little girl who reminds him of his deceased daughter. Conrad, I don't know what that loony fucker is up to, I think he's trying to seem smart and really "together" The town invites the three amigos to a harvest festival where they are given boozy tropical punch, and the children start playing satanic chanting games.



Our three "faith based" heroes escape to the home of Michael; Michael the archangel; Michael the Archangel played by Chuck Norris; Chuck Norris looking his greasy old mannest ever.



HHHWWOOORFFFF! Michael suggests with angelic vagueness that the three were sent to Ceres to save it, with hard rock theme music, and save themselves in the process somehow. I sense a Luke/Vader redemption scene. By yelling in people's faces about their love for Jesus, they manage to do this, more or less.



I knew this was going to be stomach turningly offensive and terrible to a capital T. My word. Dry heaves.

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