Ohhh, no. Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror is a "movie" "directed" by Andrea Bianchi and "stars" Karen Well, Peter Bark as the creepiest little kid this side of a freak show. Where can I even begin to describe this heinous, yet highly enjoyable, train wreck of "movie"?
Okay, it starts off with this old guy who looks like John Muir tampering with some kind of black magic to resurrect and re-animate the dead. Bad mistake number 1. Then a group of morons show up apparently to fool around for a week's vacation at John Muir's zombie infested mansion. The blond female moron gets a "bad feeling" and then all hell breaks lose. Well, kind of. The "action" in this "movie" will manage to keep you from falling asleep so long as your doing something at least 3.5 times more exciting while "watching".
So anyhow, the "zombies", whose dexterity bonus is significantly lower than that of the worms and maggots crawling out of their orifices, show up, walk real slowly, and manage to kill off the entire "cast" of morons. Once the "zombies" show up, light bulbs start exploding for no reason, I guess due to some kind of black magic power the "zombies" have over electricity, the blond female moron gets her foot caught in a bear trap which happens to be in the front yard of the mansion, the zombies attack some mustached wearing moron "writing" a letter by a tree, some other female moron puts on some underwear she found in an old trunk, and some brains, guts and breasts (!) get torn off and eaten.
At one point during this "movie" one of the lead male morons exclaims, "This must be some kind of joke!" Um, okay. So anyhow, the surviving morons "discover" some kind of "zombie" cult using the mansion as a meeting hall, and then they all get killed.
And let's not forget to mention the "soundtrack" to this "movie" which just so happens to sound exactly like a bunch of kids all hopped up on goof balls, spazzing out in the synthesizer department at Wal-Mart. No wait, I don't think they had the budget for a bunch of kids, make it one kid.
The thing is, this "movie" is quite enjoyable. First off, the title suggests that there will be more than one night of terror, but in all actuality, it really takes place during the early morning, right after the morons eat breakfast. I guess Burial Ground: The Early Morning of Terror doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Secondly, it does feature the three golden "B's" of zombie films: Blood, Brains and Boobs, and this one does it really right by showcasing all three at the same time! Thirdly, one of the "actors" seriously is the creepiest kid in all of existence who just so happens to be voiced over by what sounds like a creepy elderly man.
So gather up some friends, who should be at least 3.5 times more exciting than the "movie", get some beer, preferably a kind with a very high alcohol content, and watch this glorious mess of a movie!
